Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
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When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up