Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
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“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.