Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
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Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.