[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
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You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Ummm
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
That de-escalated quickly
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.