My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that