Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
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You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
And now we wait
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time