The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
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[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
He wanted to make sure😂
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
me hitting on a model
Cake safety first. Always.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣