My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
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I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Accurate
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.