hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer: