poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
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I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi