4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
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Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Dietest Coke
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.