My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
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No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
accurate
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded