fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Come back with a warrant
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter