The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
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I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Not today
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I came this close!!!!
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
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