How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
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Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.