Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
This is me
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body