I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.