May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
You Might Also Like
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.