Somewhere in an alternate universe
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THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?