Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
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ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
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him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.