Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
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If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I have a new favorite meme page
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”