who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
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My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”