me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
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The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours