Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
You Might Also Like
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
How software testing works
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.