15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
You Might Also Like
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
My last name is Zilla.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.