Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
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I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Word!
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking