Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
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Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS