It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
You Might Also Like
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
(True)
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words