facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
You Might Also Like
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.