Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
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Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Facebook memories be like
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
#polloftheday
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation