It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
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I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Cheer up.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?