just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT