I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
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A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books