Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
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I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy