I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
(Electricians.)
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)