Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
rapatouille
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.