I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
is it earth
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.