Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
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If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
me linking you to my twitter
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
🤣🤣🤣
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.