[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*