My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
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Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Canadian owl: Eh?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o