Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
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Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.