My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
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People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Me too door. Me too.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.