This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
You Might Also Like
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope