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“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.