[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.