90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
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My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.