Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
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[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want