*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
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It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.