I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
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ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.