A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
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gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.